I’m down. Not sad depressed, or unfulfilled. For me to think I need more is silly, so I’ll pass on the counseling and the Zoloft. Yet I sit deep in my chair, heavy,  breathing slow; almost unable to move. The culprit could be Meaningless, He’s no pushover, you know. Not that I don’t understand that the chief end of man is to, “Glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” But today feels more like uselessness or insignificance. Surely, I know there is purpose in every deed, every project, every word. I’m that kind of a guy. But what makes one day important? We can spend hours in a day attending to the play of others to hail the victor or, worse yet, to mourn the loss. Why?  A two hour movie can make me feel something like good, but it doesn’t last long. Here comes that “Vanity, vanity, all is vanity,” thing. And to make things worse, when your wife gives you that “why are you drinking my tea (lecture). Don’t you have your own?” I just shake my head. Of course, prior to this, I, in jest, belittled a Badger basketball loss. That’s a no, no around here, so the lecture was justified. Timing is everything. (We both apologized, but the damage was done. I was not in my right mind anyway).

Futility events and “Breaking News” had led me to emptiness. Of course, I’m not stupid or idol. I am busy all day for sure, but why? To build something we really don’t need, to trade another book to get my mind educated, or add to a few more bucks to our savings, as if God will not take care of our needs. These are dubious acts for a Christian. It must be that man curse called work and that worldly thing, ambition. I’ve gotta build, fix, or do something besides play video games (something I never do anyway). Besides, it’s too cold to go fly fishing. And we don’t really need more money or things built. But so goes my day without fishing.

So let’s look at my personal “service;” my private life, my relationships, and my emotions. My mind is not rancid or completely chalk. My friendships are many. My emotions are quite secure in my faith. And I love my wife and family deeply. I try my best to encourage, teach, and learn. But my advice, exhortations, homilies, and tiraids on the mount seem to have little lasting effect. Neither does humility or apologies from the gutter change things inwardly. Sometimes, non-existence, or better yet, total isolated seclusion sounds better than reality. Wait, I already live about as far from nowhere as possible.

Note I’m not dissing others here. This is all about me. It’s all in the vacinity of my narcissism. My narcissistic complexities in a straight jacket. Truths I like to say or actions done are seldom remembered. But I also forget, so I’m thinking, why say or do anything? Is there something in me that can not be found elsewhere? I think not. Add a ball and chain to me, please.

Presently, I’ve said nothing important in this blog. Though, my thoughts, by writing them down, might be like playing the game out of bounds. I’m not often “down,” so I have taken a chance to learn something. I think people too often think they need to always hit the ball from the fairway. But so much can be learned from hitting out of the rough. Joy is the game I like to play. Today, misery got the best of me, and I’m in the weeds.

I know tomorrow morning will be better, it always is. Tonight, I’ll pray, read my bible, and ask forgiveness of God for not asking him to cheer me up sooner. I’ll give my wife a big hug and that simple, gentle kiss she enjoys best. And God will tell me, “I can even use a foolish sinner like you, have a better day tomorrow, I love you, I died for you.”